I live my life

I've never given much thought to how I would live forward. I can't bring myself to regret the decisions I've made.

I've moved on.. 

Steadily,  I hope..

People seeing me strong, brave and resilient..

+ve, the concept I absorbed

I stop hoping to live with someone else.
My life, my entire journey is me and kids.

I learn to do things alone

I learn to enjoy my life alone

I learn to spend my time in my own ways..

To enjoy my own company 

Sometimes with the kids when they're around. We'll spending our own unique ways..

They know.. I needs someone even I never told. 

Azim told me, 'mama please get someone to accompany you,  we can't always be with you..'

It's ok.. I told them and myself.

I was so eager to live on my own ways

The hurt* 

No more.

I'm fully recovered. 

Until one day... my heart is turned to you..

I don't know how. It's just happened..

To someone that I never expected to fall. Somehow you bring back my real me.

You could run from someone you feared or to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of people.

But, when you loved the one who was killing you inside, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?

You are not the one I hope to live with, to care for me to spend the rest of my life. But, the feelings towards you killing me.

I love you.

I even hate myself..

Days... 

Become week

Weeks

Become month

Yes

Just few months now..

The feelings growing 

We learned to understand each other 

We learned to respect 

I don't know..

It's still empty 

and I scared..

Scared coz I know

I can't have you..

Scared to admit that I'm not your priority, will never be yours..

Scared to admit that I just can hold you for a moment

Scared to admit that 1 day you'll be gone

Scared to admit that I'll lose you..

Scared to let you go..

My thinking been so wild recently..

Hoping for the impossible things to be happened. 
Even there's no 

To ask again..

Why I always be given a complication? 

Am I not a good sign reading? 
or pretending not to understand to all the warning? 

Scared to all the wrong I've done

Scared for all the retribution of sin to be received..

Yes I love you

at the same time I love HIM..

How much sins that made HIM hate me

But, I know HE loves me still.

Perhaps HE help me.. to get rid of all the sins.. and back to HIM..