tiada tajuk

bagaimana ia bermula..

di saat aku begitu parah merawat perasaana sendiri..

I know I'm strong

he's nothing.. 

he can't change me..

trut.. truttt...

vibration message gets into my Whatsapp...

'I'm ready waiting for you here at the hotel lobby' a short message from my friend. We're staying in a different hotel and together we are going for an audit assignment. I already there for the last 2 days while my friend just reached yesterday. I'm taking grab car to the audit location and to grab him on my way to the venue.

A wide smile waiting upon reached him.

'how are you ?' a standard opening conversation when he got into the car.

'alhamdulillah' a short reply from me. I do not really know him, I just know him from the name, when I was asked to add his name in our report distribution list. Nothing more. so today we meet. 

along the way to the venue, we talk.. about work, etc.

That's I can recall

Before we left, he asked me to join his breakfast on the next morning.

I just ok with it.

My head full of zillion things.. My heart broken into pieces, I was dragging my foot to walk... and this moment I can't think properly. I start to miss everything...

the next morning he did not call for breakfast, somehow I feel so relieved, I feel like a betrayal if let say I'll go for breakfast.

the day went on.. not as usual for me. Sakit..

No one knows

No one see me suffer

What people see, I still cheerful as always, I will smile like a normal me.

People won't see me differently.

exhale.... just behind people.

sometimes I'll just seated blank, nothing in my mind.

'breakfast tomorrow ?' a message into my WhatsApp. I don't immediately reply even though the phone is 24hrs at my hand. For nothing the FB and insta page takes turn... actually I still waiting for someone who breaks my heart to call or messages me. but when he did I'll let it freeze with no reply. I created a cruel image, a bad woman... even my heart and feelings totally belongs to him. But.. ahh how could I stay with a liar. He promised to be with me, he promised not to break my heart, he promised to have only me...

'if it is ok for you, if not I'll be alright' again the message continued reached me after 10mins.

'yeah yeah.. it will be ok' without thinking, the fingers reply. my mind that time was... Shit! What've I done.

I went to breakfast, we just talk and laugh. what a fake of me.

No serious conversation, it was just about work and organisation. A little bit of personal, just about where we both come from. That's it.

45mins later, he left for his business.

me... still there.. my time to a meeting still an hour to go...

Sometimes, being away is good to have a break. Mind break..

Masa berlalu dengan begitu pantas sedangkan hati aku masih merangkak mencari arah.

aku begitu sakit bila hati dan fikiran tidak seiring.

nampak aku begitu kuat... namun hakikat Allah sahajalah yang mengetahui.

pergi dan pulang kerja aku hanya bagai patung.

patung atau robot bernyawa yang tiada bezanya.

memanglah aku yang begitu kejam meninggalkan..

tetapi aarhhhhhhhhggghhh

itulah aku yang tak mampu untuk berterusan

hanya 'mungkin'

Allah kan ada.. Allah kan lebih tahu.

Lepaskanlah..

itulah satu2nya yang membuat aku kuat untuk melangkah..

Lepaskanlah..

Untuk membenarkan sesuatu  yang baik mengambil tempat..

Tiada mungkin.. Tetapi pasti..

kerana Allah yang lebih mengetahui..

Itulah akal yang sering memujuk hati..

tetapi sesekalil hati ini begiti sesak untuk bernafas..

I know I know, I should move on..

Tetapi hati ini berharap dia kembali.. memujuk dan merayu seperti dulu-dulu..

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sakit!

masih sakit.

Everything is planned by Allah. I never forget this.

Semestinya aku cukup kuat untuk bertahan,

bergembiralah dengan sakit ini kerana itu tandanya aku masih punyai nyawa, punyai nyawa yang bererti aku masih punya waktu meraih perhatian maha Esa,

I moved on.

It's just sometimes, loneliness dragged me to miss the wasted moment. Yes, wasted we don't make it !

Other than miss, some remorse feeling for being so easy to be cheated and betrayed...

sometimes I'll laugh alone remembering our happy moment. Sometimeses I'll feel so angry..

But for all this, still thanked to Allah for not make it happen. Alhamdulillah. He's not deserve me. I deserve for someone better... much better. I'm so expensive to be for someone very cheapAllahlah with me.. Protecting me, guided me.. 

Fast fowars.. There's always omeoneone who always there, or maybe this is too early.

I don't want to fall again because the pain is still there.

I know the feeling, so it's not easy for me.

I'm controlling my feeling now..

I still trying not to fall...

But I started to miss...

I want someone who can always be with me all the time not some time

I want someone who I can rely on

I want someone who can here with me whenever I need him

I want someone who can travel with me together round the world

I wsomeonemone who can lift me up whenever I feel down

I want someone who always, alwaysways guidedo's dos don'tdont of life

I want someone loveslove me total of I'm and my kids too

I wsomeonesone