The hate that you gave

Dear someone,

 

The hate* that you've created inside me was now becoming a cancer to my body. The hate wasn't new.. it's started long time ago when our fight never have ending, this was part of the cause. I admit, I wasn't a perfect too. 

If you still remember, but knowing you, you are not remember anything. I was trying to be a good wife, I will try to ask forgiveness and admit my mistake even though sometimes it's clearly your fault.

1 year, 2 year, 3 year end up... years…. which finally I gave-up. Fight still fight no ending… 

I keep it rotten in my heart.

My friend said, think of your happy time together. I think yes, we have some happy time together. But, everything has been faded due the hate cancer. I cannot think even 1 of those.

I'm tired to be with you. I only asked for affection, nothing more.

I was trying to change. I'm so positive.. 

But you still you. You haven't changed at all.

Ok, you may stay forever in the way you are.

Congratulations. I will not telling more. Enough. Tired. Tired. Tired.

Remember all those bad words that you gave, I'm sure you wasn't remember... for so long i keep it until one day I threw it back to you.. and you're replied...

*kau memang mulut jahat, keturunan kurang ajar, aku haramkan kau syurga...

That's it... that the point ! You can say anything but me... cannot. 

*A wife has to absorb everything...

Unfortunately I'm not that kind of wife. Sekian.

I'm failed.. I'm just a normal human with so many lack. End up.. I was hike, hike, hike. Giving me more air to breath.

I wanted to be at home just for the kids. The love to you has been faded long time ago.

Why to prolong my sins for not loving my own husband, istiqarah after istiqarah. Please let me go ya Rab. The doa wasn't new. Not this year or last year. But, long time ago…

Ustaz advised, cerai xharam but Allah don't like it. Why to keep yourself in sins. Think and istiqarahlah.

If I stay with the same feelings, I'll just collecting my sins. The sins are.. *I don't love my husband anymore and I've no sincerity anymore. I hate my husband !

Tragic. 

When we confronted,  as I was so sure, you will never let me go. Even you've asked to pretend or to act like normal in front of people.  Bullshit ! Kau haramkan aku syurga.. and yet you wanted me to stay. Goooo to hell !!!

Days... weeks, months... years.. I carried the hurt.

Pretending

Acting

Until I found someone. I was easily distracted. Of course. And you knew it and we end up like this.

Alhamdulillah.
Bahkan solat syukur for this... I'm so grateful 

The End* which I have requested from you but you never wanting to let me go. Taqdir Allah was so beautiful.

TQ Allah.